Where to Now?

A basic rule of life appears to be "disappointments are always the result of unfulfilled expectations." I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have expectations. Expectations of others is a normal part of organized human life. I'm specifically refering to expectations in human relationships in this conversation.

Conflict and problems usually arise when there is negative emotional content associated with an ufulfilled expectation. For example, in the last blog, I suggested that "what we put out is what we usually receive in return." Sometimes putting out good intentions and behaviors is not matched in return--at least in the short term. If there is emotional disappointment in this situation, then its source is an expectation of something good in return.

I also stated in the last blog that the rule involves "giving without expectation," as though there is no memory of the good we do. Using this approach, there can never be disappointment. I know this is not easy to do, but it is an indication of "why" we did something good in the first place.

I have a friend who ran a special program with disadvantaged students for five years. Some students didn't thank him, they figured it was a right. Sone didn't show up regularly. Some didn't study or take the program seriously. However, some of them, about 20%, did succeed in the program and earned degrees. Only one of them thanked him for his help upon graduation. However, five years later, all 20% who earned advanced degrees of one type or another stopped by or contacted him to express their thanks. My friend was actually surprised because his motivation for the program was not driven by acknowledgement. He's no saint. He just feels he is guided to help others.

So, what's the point? You might reflect on where you are continually disappointed by someone:

1) Reflect on what you expect from the other person.

2) Is this expectation valid or simply something to make your life work better?

3) If its simply beneficial to you, you might consider letting-go--and possibly transform your relationship.

4) If it is justified and valid, then a "serious" conversation is called for.

5) Rather than start the conversation with an accusation, start with questions as to why the valid expectation is not being met.

6) Then share the consequences you perceive will ultimately occur if it is not met (This is very, very hard to do in a constructive manner)

7) Stop here and let the conversation sink in for both of you.......I'll have more to suggest in the next blog.

This blog has many pathways and involves many aspects of relationship. I hope I have opened the door to a "Crucial Conversation" you might need to have. This is the title of a presently popular book that is a valuable Resource.

As usual, pass this blog on or have a friend visit this website.