Sunday, September 30, 2007

How to Become a Total Failure!

That's the title of the book Phil Davis and I have written. The subtitle is "The Ten (10) Rules of Highly Unsuccessful People." The basic premise of the book is that we learn our most important lessons in life through experience or "The Workshop of Life."

As children, we are overwhelmed with choices about how to handle life. As a result, we are bound to program some choices that are not in our long-term best interest. Such as, "Look out for #1." Since everyone else seems to be using this rule successfully, we also adopt it. For example, don't share your knowledge or homework with someone else, since they might get a higher grade than you. If they haven't put in the work, that's tough! After all, there only so many "As" available.

By the time we get through schooling and go into the world of work, we have perfected the skill of #1. We begin planning our careers by looking out those opportunities that are in our best interest. After all, we're not plotting the downfall of others. That is, as long their interests don't conflict with ours. We decide what people are needed in support of our quest, and we use them accordingly. After all, if they are too stupid to look out for themselves, there's no hope for them anyway! "It's life. It's not personal."

The problem with this approach is when we encounter someone more ruthless or skilled than we are at "Looking out for #1," then we are in trouble. Because we are likely to get "screwed." This experience is both good and bad. Bad because we lose at winning or gaining some advantage. And good because we are likely to learn the lesson that winning at the expense of others will not sustain our success in the long run; no matter how much short-term success we have. The earlier we learn this life lesson, the greater success, contentment, and well-being we will experience. (I didn't learn this lesson early in life. What about you?)

It's a collaborative world. We can't make it without each other. If even if we apparently do win, what will we have won?

Please share your own personal stories of "Looking out for #1." I will be pleased to post them on this Blog site.

The book will available as e-book in two weeks. Next blog: Rule #4.

Comments:

I don't know Bill. I'm a mother of 4 and I used to do anything and everything for my kids. I was giving them money, paying for their cars and they were repaying me by getting DUIs and failing college. When I started looking out for me and telling my kids they had to look out for themselves, my kids began making progress. Any thoughts on this?

# posted by

Anonymous : 11:10 AM

Taking responsibility for your life, which you did for your children is totally different than looking out for your self (#1) at the expense of others. Eventually, looking out for #1 as life prescription will hurt or prevent the success of someone else. (I congratulate you getting over your hero-complex with your children. You probably realized you were doing it more for you than them! Right?)

# posted by

Bill : 11:24 AM

I've had an experience where i had to work on a project with a group in english class. We had to make what is called an i-movie where we had to read a book and then create a short movie on it. We needed to make a story board to decied what we were and weren't going to include from the book into the movie.All of the people in our group had some ideas about what to ues but one girl in the group decided that everyone elses ideas were not good enough and we would not get a good enough grade if we mixed ideas so we only used hers. Our movie did end up getting an alright grade but it wasn't nominated for any awards at the cremony that followed. This story demonstrates that looking out for yourself can only get you so far in school and in life.

# posted by

Anonymous : 11:50 AM

I have a very close friend. We're knowing each other since 17 years. Since a couple of months she's very busy in her job, in her relationships in her family. After additional hours at work, returning home at about 8.00 pm she's running to the gym because you have to move your body, to exercise and to run. After that she's going to the spa. Having some cosmetics for the face, have the hair done (there are a lot of things to do to be # 1!). Also there is the need to meet some friends. To have a "smalltalk". And not to forget the family. Talking over their problems. And again running to work to let this whole thing start again.

Acting this way you'll have a lot of relatives - but what if you need a friend or if a friend needs you.

Bill there is one question coming up while writing this:

Is it she who is looking for # 1 or is it me looking to be # 1? I am not sure about.

# posted by

Ulla : 12:01 AM

Ulla
I view this person as self-centered. Looking out for #1 occurs when others are involved and they experience loss as result of that individual's activities. If her family snd friends suffefr in some way then she is looking out for #1. If you are triggered by her actions, then it's possible that you also have a #1 issue!

# posted by

Bill : 9:03 PM

Hi Bill,
I needed some time to think over your answer. And: yes, we are suffering. Her husband, her parents, her brother and me we are suffering, because she has no time. And whenever we meet, she is not with us. She is thinking about next day, next gym, next shopping, next, next, next.

I'm aware that I'm not able to handle her problem (I think for her, there is no problem at all), only mine.
I want my relationships going deeper, I need the space and trust to open, to be able talking about me - and that's mutual. Talking about who we really are. Even if I failed.

# posted by

ulla : 10:49 PM

Where to Now?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

How to Become a Total Failure!